Holy wounded sharpshooters, Batman!

Narcissists do things that baffle us and drive us crazy.

A narcissist in my family who's done a lot of damage to me and many others during his lifetime emailed me a while back in his usual extremely harsh, self-absorbed, braggadocious manner. And while he was going on and on about his accomplishments, on a side note, he informed me that he doesn't feel welcome in my home!

Having been on the receiving end of his nastiness over many years, to me this was like a serial abuser telling their victim that, since they weren't nice and didn't show gratitude for being abused, the abuser won't come back for another visit because he didn't feel 'welcome'. While this may seem to be an outrageous scenario for someone who understands the nature of giving and receiving love, it seems perfectly reasonable to the narcissist!

People who possess empathy can feel both their own pain and can at least imagine, if not feel, the pain of others. Narcissists, however, seem to feel only their own pain. And, because of this, narcissists are quite clueless when they ask their victims, standing in front of them 'bleeding to death' from the wounds they've inflicted, why they are being mean to them when needing to shut the doors of their hearts to them, at least temporarily, and refusing to be their friend (aka punching bags) yet again.

It is very difficult when we find ourselves in the position with people we care about of having no options but to put our foot down and even cut ties, particularly if we are considerate people. But sadly, if we revealed to the narcissistic bullies in our lives that we don't like being 'mean' to them and didn't want to have to ask them not to 'play in our sandbox', they would likely interpret our remorse as weakness. Like sharks, they would smell blood in the water and come in for the kill again sooner or later. They seem to have radar for any softness we expose in ourselves and attack when we're most vulnerable. Showing our vulnerability to those who share and understand empathy is wise and helpful. It's not a good plan with a narcissist.

Most of us would ideally want to have warm, loving relationships with all of our family members and friends, and we aren’t at all comfortable denying attention or love to people we care about or closing the door to our hearts. But it is not emotionally healthy for a peace loving person to continually allow the narcissist bully in their lives more opportunities to clobber and wound them. It's necessary to learn to draw sharp boundaries with narcissists. Closing the door on communication, denying them access to their prey, can be one form of self defense, learned from many years of being viciously clawed from naively letting our guards down again and again.

This situation causes great inequity and imbalance in one’s relationship with the narcissist, making normal give and take or any semblance of normalcy impossible. But, sooner or later, out of compassion and love, victims will feel remorse for 'denying' the narcissist access to them. They knew we would, and they expected no less from us. They desperately need forgiveness and compassion to be modeled for them. However, when that time comes, it should be ideally happen on the healthy person's terms and in their time, and hopefully after sufficient healing has taken place.

Here's a four stanza limerick I'd written on the topic..

Narcy Sista

Does anyone matter but you?

I honestly doubt that they do.

You can seem quite sincere,

So at first it’s not clear

That you love only you, but it’s true.

You have the opinion you’re kind,

But that’s not what others will find;

For by not giving pause

To assess what you cause,

It appears to not trouble your mind.

It’s time that you own, dearest one,

This tendency always to run -

Better yet, to escape

The fine mess you create,

Somehow blind to the harm that’s been done.

Now please don’t get huffy and pout.

For once it’s not you it’s about.

When you put your needs last

It can heal what is past

And bring peace from within and without.